If you breakdance you buy dance.
You Might Also Like
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?