My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
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Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
incredible
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
🌱🌱🌱
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.