When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
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My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
just pretend nothing happened
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
How it started How it’s going
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.