“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
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I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Don’t tell me what to do
Imma just leave this here…………
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.