MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
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I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves