Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
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the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.