13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.