“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
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[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses