Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
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An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff