A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
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What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life