Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
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Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.