Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence