Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
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“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
The USS B port
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*