Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
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Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
What even happened today?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats