At Walmart during the holidays like..
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DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”