“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
You Might Also Like
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
two people or more is called a problem
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Only a mother’s love …
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
The news is so predictable nowadays
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.