3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
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I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.