3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
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[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’