If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.