Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
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Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?