Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
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I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving