Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
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I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Why font matters.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes