Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
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Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages