I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
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[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read