My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
You Might Also Like
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
My favorite female superhero
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
WHY would you be happy about this?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
<- sleeps well with others
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!