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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
oh my gosh!!
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.