I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”