Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it