John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
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Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Basketball games are very squeaky.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.