Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
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My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Something Saturday.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
We found love in a hopeless place.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows