I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
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Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Shoo shoo! 😂
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”