greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
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I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.