whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
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Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Home is where your toilet is.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*