psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
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“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.