Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
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[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Bed should get ready for ME
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
#dnd #ttrpg