Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
You Might Also Like
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…