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I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.