Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

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A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.


Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash



I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.


Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.


Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it


The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018


Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.


Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?


Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot


Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.