Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
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*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.