@PJTLynch Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
@geowizzacist (Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
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@PJTLynch 
@rachelle_mandik HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
@DammitLarry1 When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
@clichedout Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
@NoticablyBacon Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
@OfficeofSteve when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
@AnkCoupleTO [job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
@SamGrittner Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
@kyry5 The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
@Fred_Delicious “Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”