@geowizzacist

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

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@PJTLynch

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

@rachelle_mandik

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

@DammitLarry1

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

@clichedout

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

@NoticablyBacon

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

@OfficeofSteve

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

@AnkCoupleTO

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

@SamGrittner

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

@kyry5

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

@Fred_Delicious

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”