my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
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My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
technically true but not a great slogan
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?