My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

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Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.


Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.


That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.


[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*


I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”


If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.


[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog


No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.