@ndiquote

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

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@mrt1m

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

@melibuff

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

@iwearaonesie

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

@wittwitbarista

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

@sumpeoplelikeit

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

@andlikelaura

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

@TheAndrewNadeau

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.