My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
You Might Also Like
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.