If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
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Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.