It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
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The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot