Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
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Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.