Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
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I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I feel this so hard
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Wednesday
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam