@DukeRaccoon

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

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@SomthinBoutSara

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

@golub

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

@ohhelloitsmax

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

@traciebreaux

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

@GianDoh

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

@egg_dog

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

@Brianhopecomedy

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

@SunnyGirl1717

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

@murrman5

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

@bobvulfov

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ