Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

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I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.


‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.


I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…


I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh


If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.


imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.


“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*


He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.


“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no


COP: careful, this guy’s insane
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ