Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
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Wordle is trying to tell me something
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estão todos miauvindo?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”