Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
You Might Also Like
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Every time.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Florida be like…
(yawn)
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.