Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
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Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
🤣🤣🤣
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.