My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
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“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
The Others (2001)
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.