Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
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I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…