Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
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Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?